House Season 5, Episode 4: Birthmarks

[House slowly wakes up to find himself in a moving car. He looks over to the driver’s side and sees Wilson driving. Wilson notices House is awake.]

Wilson: I am not doing this because I care.

[House smiles.]

House: Cuddy drugged me. She… [House pauses and looks at Wilson. Wilson stares straight ahead.] My mom didn’t call Cuddy. She called you. [House smiles and points at Wilson.] I knew you couldn’t stay away. I knew you loved me too much.

Wilson [interrupting]: I’m doing this for your mom.

House: I’m not doing this at all. If there was something to be done, I would have done it the year he spent dying. [House reaches for his Vicodin.] You took my Vicodin? [Wilson continues to stare straight ahead, saying nothing.] I’m in pain!

[Wilson reaches into his pocket, extracts, and opens House’s Vicodin bottle, handing him a pill]

House: One? So the Vicodin is my leash, one will take the edge off but it won’t give me enough relief for an escape back to Plainsboro.

[House swallows the pill. A moment later, a cellphone rings with MMMBop by Hanson as its ringtone. House briefly searches for his phone.]

House: Where’s my phone? [Wilson stares ahead.] It’s the team, it’s their ringtone. [Wilson looks at House. House puts his hands in the air.] Forget it. The patient’s blood is on your hands.

[Wilson looks at House again, and reaches into his pocket and pulls out House’s phone. Wilson answers the phone and puts the call on speakerphone.]

Foreman: House. You there?

House: I’m being held against my will. Call the police!

[House listens while the team discusses the patient’s symptoms]

House: Thanks for calling. [House hangs up.] My ringtone for you is “Dancing Queen” by ABBA. [House looks at Wilson.]

House: I need to pee, pull over at the next stop. [Wilson hands him an empty water bottle, which House promptly throws into the backseat.] I’ll just pee on the floor. [House looks down at the floor and smiles.] You bought used floormats? [He picks one up.] That is brilliant. [House throws it out the window and starts to undo his pants.]

Wilson: There’s a rest stop, 5 miles.

[Cut to rest stop]

[Wilson gets out of the car and walks around to the passenger side, and opens the door for House. The car is parked in a handicapped spot.]

House: Cane. [He gestures with his hand.]

Wilson: The rest room’s right there. [Points] You can make it on your own.

House: I suppose I could talk about the summer he decided he wasn’t speaking to me. Two months, not one word. Anything he wanted to say, he typed up and slipped under my bedroom door.

Wilson: You don’t want to say anything, don’t say anything. But go. Tell your mom you’re sad. For her.

House: Just by being there I’d be lying.

Wilson: She wants to think, for a moment, that she had a happy family. So give her the gift, lie.

House: Give me my cane, I’ll go to the damn funeral.

[Wilson nods and opens the trunk. House gets out of the car, following Wilson to the trunk. Wilson hands him the cane. House smacks Wilson’s hand with the cane, causing Wilson to drop his keys into the storm drain below.]

Wilson: Ahh!

House: I said I’d go to the funeral. I didn’t say when.

Next Scene

[House, drinking soda, walks back to the car, where Wilson is winding up an emergency flashlight. He also has a long wire held in his mouth, which used to be a coat hanger.]
House: Who likes to keep a flashlight that doesn’t need batteries in the trunk? Next to the jacket, emergency water, nail clippers, toothbrush, space blanket…

Wilson: When things go wrong, I like to be ready. Will you [gestures to House will the flashlight] please, hold the flashlight for a minute?

[House shoves the flashlight down the storm drain. Wilson sighs.]

Wilson: You know, those aren’t just my car keys. My house keys are on there too. Amber gave me that key chain.

House: No she didn’t. Not unless your pet name for her was Volvo.

[Wilson gets up and gets a smaller flashlight from the trunk, and starts winding it.]

House: A man who would lie about a gift from a dead girlfriend…

Wilson: Is probably responding to a childish, pointless act of petulance. [Wilson returns to the storm drain, crouching over it.]

House: The struggle to resist one’s captors is never pointless. Vive la Résistance!

Wilson: Well, I hate to break it to you Ché, but simple delay won’t work. Your mother will hold the funeral until we get there.

House: My father was a punctual man, beholden to time. Two minutes late for dinner, you didn’t eat. My mother would never disrespect him by starting the funeral late.

Wilson: Yeah. Yeah, you clearly have no issues to work through.

House: C’mon. Forget the keys. Call a locksmith. We’ll go inside and play “guess that smell” with the truckers while we’re waiting. Join me on the dark side.

[Wilson pulls his keys from the drain.]

Wilson: The dark side’s done, House. I’m delivering you to your mother, and that’s it. I’ve moved on.

[Wilson gets up and closes the trunk, moving towards the driver’s side.]

Next Scene

[House and Wilson are back in the car, driving to the funeral.]

Wilson: So he was a bastard. He was still your father. You’re biologically programmed to have feelings for him.

House: No I’m not.

Wilson: Feelings aren’t rational. I know you have trouble with anything that can’t be quantified, counted…

House: He’s not my biological father. [Pauses] I figured it out when I was twelve.

Wilson: Of course. You were a brilliant, socially isolated twelve-year-old. You create a parallel universe in which your life doesn’t suck.

House: I looked at the facts. First of all, he was deployed and on training exercises off Okinawa during the time I had to be conceived.

Wilson: And, since you’re 150 years old, air travel wasn’t possible.

House: His second toe was longer than his big toe. Mine isn’t.

Wilson: This is sad. You don’t believe your mother screwed around…

House: I have a distinctive red birthmark on my scalp that matches a certain friend of the family.

Wilson: If you believed this story, you wouldn’t be telling me about his birthmarks. [House sees a police car traveling in front of Wilson’s Volvo and looks at Wilson’s feet.] You’d be telling me about the genetic testing you had done. And since you haven’t mentioned it, obviously you didn’t do it, ‘cause you don’t wanna… [House raises his cane and shoves it down on the accelerator pedal] House! What are you doing? Get your… get off the… there’s a cop!

[The car continues to accelerate as Wilson is forced to pass the cop car on the left. After passing the car, House takes his cane off the accelerator, and the sheriff flashes the car’s light. House and Wilson are pulled over.]

House: Uh oh!

Next Scene

[House and Wilson are sitting in the car, with the sheriff behind them talking into his car radio.]

House: You lost track of your speed? I think that was Hitler’s excuse. Lost track of the Jews. No one held him responsible.

Wilson: I’m not playing, House.

House: You were protecting me. Anybody in their right mind would have ratted me out.

Wilson: I’m just trying to speed things along. You are going to this funeral.

[MMMBop starts playing again, signifying that the team is calling House’s phone. Wilson takes House’s phone from his shirt pocket, and tosses it to House. House answers the phone.]

House: Make it fast. I don’t want to miss the anal cavity search.

Foreman: It looks like a mass in the pancreas.

House: Not to me. This is radio. I want a full play by play.

Foreman: It’s fluid filled.
[The sheriff walks back to Wilson’s car, stopping at the driver’s side window.]

Sheriff Costello: Can you get out of the car, please?

Wilson: Officer, if you want to give me a ticket, I totally understand.

Sheriff Costello: Just get out of the car, sir.

House: Cyst?

Foreman: Large cyst. Is something going on there?

House: Wilson’s getting arrested. How large? SUV size or midrange sedan?

Foreman: Seriously? What’d you do?

House: I’m obviously joking. If Wilson was getting handcuffed on the hood of his car, would I be carrying out a differential? [Meanwhile, Wilson is getting handcuffed on the hood of his car.]

Foreman: The diameter is at least 8 centimeters.

House: *whistles* Is it in the tail or the head?

Foreman: The head.

[The sheriff appears at House’s window.]

Sheriff Costello: You too, sir. Out of the car.

House: We’ve got a construction site. A steamroller is plowing… [The sheriff grabs House’s phone.]

Sheriff Costello: Out now.

[House unbuckles his seatbelt, and starts to exit the car with his cane.]

Sheriff Costello: No cane.

[House leaves the cane on the seat and exits the car, walking around to the hood. The sheriff pushes House onto the hood.]

Sheriff Costello: James Evan Wilson? There’s a warrant for your arrest in Louisiana.

[House and Wilson share a knowing look.]

[Cut to a police station. House’s phone is ringing again, filling the police station with the sounds of MMMBop. House and Wilson are sitting next to each other on a bench. Sheriff Costello walks across the room with a file in his hand, and sits at a desk.]

House: I need that phone call. I’m a doctor and when someone tries to call you three times, it’s code for “pick up the damn phone before someone dies.”

Sheriff Costello: I’m sure there’s other smart doctors.

House: You’d be surprised.

Wilson: [to House] You told me you’d taken care of this.

House: I did.

Wilson: First words you ever said to me.

House: I took care of it. You must have screwed up somehow.

Wilson: [to the sheriff] Sir? Not to hurry you, but we need to be at a funeral in…

Sheriff Costello: Nobody is going anywhere or taking any phone calls until I hear back from Louisiana.

Wilson: It’s a really old warrant. Isn’t there a statute of limitations on this kind of thing?

House: It’s suspended when you flee the state.

Wilson: I didn’t flee the state. I left the state, because I don’t live in the state, and the charges were… just, so minor…

Sheriff Costello: Vandalism, destruction of property, assault…

Wilson: There is a simple explanation. There was a medical convention in New Orleans.

Sheriff Costello: You don’t need to explain to me.

Wilson: I was fresh out of med school. I didn’t know anybody at the convention.

House: You heard the man, Wilson. You don’t have to explain.

Wilson: [to House] I’m not going to sit here, wasting time, just so you can avoid your father’s funeral.

[Sheriff Costello looks at House.]

House: [to Sheriff Costello] He’s my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.

Sheriff Costello: Not if your mother’s alive, you don’t. Okay. Explain.

Wilson: I was at the hotel bar, trying to unwind. I had a drink. There was this guy who kept playing Billy Joel’s “Leave a Tender Moment Alone” on the jukebox.

Sheriff Costello: “Leave a Tender Moment” is a good song.

House: It’s a great song. He [nods his head at Wilson] was out of line.

Sheriff Costello: Not as good as “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant”, or…

Wilson: So, I asked the man to stop, politely.
House: [scoffs] Yeah, you yelled politely.

Wilson: I was polite the first couple of times, but courtesy made no impression on this ass, so I threw a bottle into the mirror, which successfully conveyed my message.

House: And smashed a ten foot antique mirror, and set an example for two other patrons who threw shot glasses.

Wilson: I had nothing to do with that fight, the assault charge was totally bogus. And I paid for the mirror.

Sheriff Costello: I think I have the picture. [Looks at House] I assume you’re the guy who was playing the song.

House: Nope. I was the guy who bailed him out.

Wilson: That’s how we met. I was in jail.

Sheriff Costello: This guy was a total stranger to you, and you bailed him out?

House: It was a boring convention. Had to have somebody to drink with.

Wilson: And there’s the foundation of our entire friendship. If you hadn’t been bored one weekend, it wouldn’t even exist.

House: Hey. There’re three thousand people at that convention. You were the one I thought wasn’t boring. That says something.

Wilson: It also says something that you lied to me about getting the charges dropped.

House: I got a lawyer. He cut a deal. You didn’t call the guy, you have to show up at the arraignment. Everybody knows that.

Wilson: Everybody with your misdemeanor experience.

Sheriff Costello: You can go.

House: What? He’s a fugitive from justice! That whole story was lies. He stabbed a man.

Sheriff Costello: Louisiana doesn’t want to pay to get you back. [The cop moves over to Wilson and removes his handcuffs.]

House: Forget Louisiana. He’s driving recklessly through your comatose village. Do they put lead in the jelly doughnuts here?

Sheriff Costello: Stop acting like such an ingrate, and go pay your respects to your father.

[Cut to House and Wilson in the car]

House: Well of course it’s not gallstones. Who thought it was gallstones? [House is talking on his phone.]

Kutner: You said steamroller.

House: I also said construction site.

Foreman: Gallstones could cause a pancreatic cyst.

House: [to Wilson] Would you just turn around? The thing is two hours over already, and that’s the third time we’ve passed that colonial with the cross burning out front.

Wilson: I’m not lost.

[House finishes his conversation with the team and hangs up the phone.]

Wilson: I’m not lost. [Wilson points ahead. They drive a few more feet, and pull up next to a funeral home. The plaque on the gate outside says Lambert Funeral Home.]

[Cut to inside the funeral home. Wilson is attaching his tie while he and House walk around.]

Wilson: Good heavens, we haven’t missed it after all. It’s like the end of “A Christmas Carol.”

[House’s mom, Blythe, sees them and walks over.]

Blythe: I’m so glad you’re here. [She hugs House.] Oh, it’s load off of my mind just to see you. Thank you, James.

House: Mom, how could you delay the funeral?

Blythe: Honey, your dad is dead. He’s not going to care. Do you know what you’re going to say?

House: I don’t know. Just let a minister or one of his buddies from the Corp.

Blythe: You’re talking. I don’t care that you didn’t like him. He was your father, and he loved you. The war is over, Greg. Please do this for me. [To Wilson] Stop looking so worried. I know he’s going to make me proud.

Wilson: I’m sure you know him better than I do.

[Cut to the beginning of the funeral. House and Wilson are whispering over the priest conducting the service in the background.]

House: I am not talking. We were strangers. We shared some geography thirty years ago.

Wilson: Right, he had no influence on you at all. The father who was compulsive about punctuality.

House: His issue. Which I deliberately made not my issue.

Wilson: Thereby making it your issue. Compulsively showing up four hours late, ignoring discipline, ignoring rules.

House: Oh god, he’s here.

Wilson: Who’s here? The one you’re pretending is your father? [Looks across the aisle] Nice pick, he looks like Sean Connery. So. Back when you were devising this fantasy, did you tell your father? Dad, I refuse to recognize your existence because I have chosen James Bond as my dad.

House: I used different words.

Wilson: What? Hearing your own son hates you so much he’s replaced you in his mind? That’s got to suck. How’d he take it?

House: I already told you. He didn’t speak to me for a summer.

[Blythe is standing at the lectern.]

Blythe: It means more to me than, than I can say to have all of you here today. And now, uh, our son Gregory would like to say a few words. Greg?

[House hesitantly stands up and moves to the lectern.]

House: There’s a lot of people here today, including some from the Corp. And I noticed that every one of them is either my father’s rank or higher. And that doesn’t surprise me. Because if the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over, it was a test my father failed. This man we’re here to pay homage to - he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, and he did not accept anything less than… [House looks at his mom, and then Wilson.] He loved doing what he did. He saw his work as some kind of sacred calling. More important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he had been a better father, I’d be a better son. But I am what I am because of him. Better, or for worse. I just… I just wish… [House appears to become emotionally overcome, and leaves the lectern to stand by his father’s casket. He leans down and kisses him on the forehead, while clipping part of his father’s ear with nail clippers. Wilson comes to investigate, and puts his hand on House’s shoulder, realizing what House has done.]

Wilson: Put it back.
House: But he’s not going to miss it.

Wilson: I’m done enabling. You can’t even let them put him in the ground without making it serve your agenda?

House: Do you really want to do this in front of everybody? You want to punish me, or them?

[Wilson pats House’s back and walks out of the chapel area, with House following him. They move to a viewing room with an open casket in it.

Wilson: How can I still feel surprised? You would take, even this, a moment of real, human grief and turn it into a farce.

House: Oh, cut the crap. You enjoy what I do. I never had to force you, you like coming along for the ride.

Wilson: Yes, that’s why I’m cheering you on now.

House: This is about you needing to be prepared for the worst. So you become an oncologist. No surprises there, worst happens all the time. But Amber. She was young and healthy, her death came out of nowhere.

Wilson: Don’t bring Amber into this.

House: And you weren’t ready. That makes you angry. The world sucks, and you didn’t have time to brace yourself.

Wilson: What happened out there is your show.

House: You’re scared of death. Of losing anyone that matters. So you dump the person who matters the most to you.

Wilson: I’m not scared to death, I’m moving forward.

House: Because no one could take away from you what you no longer have.

Wilson: Oh ho ho ho, your father’s death is about you [starts moving away from House towards a table where there are several bottles of liquor], Amber’s death is about you, I can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t want to be your friend!

House: Admit it. You’re angry and you’re scared of losing me. [House moves closer to Wilson]

Wilson: I’m not angry. I’m not scared. [House starts saying “admit it” while Wilson is talking] I’m not afraid. I’ve lost people. It happens. What are you, five? Stop repeating… [House starts repeating “admit it” even faster. Wilson, becoming visibly frustrated, grabs a bottle of liquor and throws it, smashing a stained glass window.]

House: Still not boring.

[Cut to a restaurant. House and Wilson are sitting at a booth.]

Wilson: Did you know I was going to do that? Because I didn’t know I was going to do that.

House: I know you have trouble losing people. In New Orleans, I saw you carrying this express package around the conference. You wouldn’t let it go, but you wouldn’t open it. So I peeked at the return address.

Wilson: Diamond Fairbairn.

House: Divorce attorneys. Your first wife had just served you papers.

Wilson: Did you know that when you bailed me out? Were you doing something nice for me?

House: What did I say about being boring? [House takes out his phone and presses speed dial.]

Wilson: We owe your mom an apology.

[House calls the team and they discuss the patient. House asks for a phone number. Cut to China, where the patient’s translator, Fang Dong Wen, from earlier in the episode picks up the phone.]

House: [on the phone] I’m a doctor in New Jersey, treating one of your clients. A young woman looking for her biological parents.

Wilson: You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied.

House: [to Wilson] What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to?

[House resumes his phone call and after a few minutes, hangs up.]

House: Differential: Say you’re a middle aged Chinese woman.

Wilson: Fine.

House: Say it.

Wilson: I’m a middle aged Chinese woman.

House: A girl comes to you and says that she’s your long-lost daughter. Why would you be frightened?

Wilson: I’m frightened because she’s a threat. Maybe she knows something?

House: She hasn’t seen you since she was an infant.

Wilson: Maybe an inheritance issue?

House: They’re peasants.

Wilson: Her very presence is a threat. She… what year was she born?

House: 83.

Wilson: She’s not supposed to be alive. China introduced the one child policy in 1979. Say they didn’t want a girl. They tried to kill her.

House: Maybe the baby doesn’t die. Maybe the father panics or regrets it and takes the baby to an orphanage. Maybe he doesn’t tell his wife.

Wilson: Who freaks out like she’s seen a ghost twenty five years later when the girl shows up.

House: Why does an attempted murder from twenty five years ago suddenly become relevant to her health now?

Wilson: Maybe they gave her something toxic. It would have to be fat soluble.

[House looks at Wilson]

House: This is fun. Isn’t it?

[Cut to House’s office. House is sitting in the chair at his desk, and Wilson is standing outside the door. Wilson opens the door, and knocks.]

Wilson: I hear your patient’s going to be alright.

House: That's not why you’re here. A colleague checking up on a patient. [House sips what appears to be Scotch from a glass.]

Wilson: Something going on? [Wilson points to the alcohol.]

House: I’m celebrating. [He hands Wilson a sheet of paper. Wilson looks at House.] My mom hated him too.

Wilson: Your DNA test showed no match? That’s incredible. At the age of twelve you actually figured out your father wasn’t your birth father? That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? Why should it depress you?

House: It doesn’t depress me. It doesn’t make any difference at all. And that’s what depresses me. [House takes another sip.]

Wilson: Well. I guess nobody gets to choose who their parents are. I’m not sure even sure anymore we get to choose who our friends are. [He pauses.] I spoke with Cuddy. She hasn’t filled my position yet.

House: If you’re coming back just because you’re attracted to the shine of my neediness… I’d be okay with that.

Wilson: I’m coming back because you’re right. That strange, annoying trip we just took was the most fun I’ve had since Amber died.

House: You hungry?

[Wilson nods. House gets up from his desk, and they start to move towards the door.]

House: Wilson?

Wilson: Yeah?

House: My dad’s dead.

Wilson: Yeah. My sympathies.

[House walks through the door. Wilson turns off the light and closes the door, and they start to walk down the hallway together.]